The Key To Dying

I lay awake most nights, thinking about him. Wondering how he actually did it. Thinking about it is different, I’ve done that a million times; maybe even before him. But actually mustering up the courage to do it, well that is something I can’t figure out. How did he do it? I wonder..

Here I am, lying awake yet again; thinking about him. How did he lie there? Wasn’t .. he .. scared? How did he …. ?

…

HUH? What just happened? I guess I must have fallen asleep. But I swear I heard something. Someone, perhaps.. ‘Hello? Is anyone there?’

‘Yes Ricky, I’m here.’

‘Sam? What are you doing here? I thought you were dead.’

‘I am dead. But you keep thinking about me all the time. So I had to come back and answer your questions.’

‘Oh.. all right.. then tell me.. how did you do it?’

‘The key to dying Ricky, is to die on the inside first. If you are going to be thinking about mom, dad and Jo when you have a knife to your throat, you will never be able to do it. You have to be dead inside. Your senses must be dead. You should learn not to care about them, about life. You should be convinced that whatever comes afterwards is better. Or you won’t be able to do it Ricky.’

‘Dead on the inside? So you didn’t think about me before you slit your throat? You didn’t think of mom and dad crying all day? Why Sam? Didn’t you love us anymore?’

‘I did love you Ricky. And I will always love you guys. I realize that now. But like I said, you have to be dead on the inside. So that day, when I decided to do it, I didn’t realize that I loved you.’

‘Do you think I should do it Sam? I hate living in a house that mourns your death every day.They have forgotten about Jo and me. Even Jo and I have forgotten about ourselves. And you will be there for me when I do it, won’t you Sam? So it won’t be that bad right?’

…

‘Sam! Don’t just stand there and smile! TELL ME! WILL YOU BE THERE FOR ME IF I DO IT? SAM I NEED YOU TO ANSWER ME! TELL ME SAM! TELL ME! SAM!’

‘Ricky?’

‘Is it better on the other side Sam? Is it better than this life?’

‘Ricky?’

‘I need to know Sam, I really need to know!!’

‘Ricky?’

‘Sam’

‘Ricky? RICKY?’

‘Sam?’

‘Ricky! Wake up!! Its me – mom’

‘Mom?’

I opened my eyes. She was standing there, teary eyed.

‘He .. he.. is gone Ricky. He’s .. been .. gone .. a .. a .. a .. long time.’

As she broke into a sob, I hugged her tightly. I don’t know how he did it. I can’t be dead inside. I can’t forget I love these people. I just can’t.

‘I love you mom.’

Inspiration Monday

Inspiration Monday (InMon) is a weekly writing challenge designed to spark your imagination. Every Monday, five vague writing prompts are posted, with which you can do anything you like.  The rules are as strict or as loose as the participants choose, and genius inevitably ensues. This post was a result of an InMon prompt.

and yet another life.. (the crime of forgetting)

she was rushed into the emergency room. two, three doctors ran in after her. there were about half a dozen nurses surrounding her when i last saw her – just before they closed the doors of the operation theater. i stood looking at the door – my mind being unable to function. why? why would she do such a thing? and why my car? why?

i guess i should have first asked myself who she was. but all i could think was – why?

someone gave me a little water and made me sit down. my phone kept ringing, but i didn’t want to touch it with my bloody hands. after a while the shock began to wear off. it was replaced by fear. would i be responsible? responsible for some other woman’s life? would i have to live with this all my life? no – i couldn’t. maybe she wouldn’t die. maybe i could help her…

after an eternity or so, they came out. they shook their heads and walked off. i sat there, quietly. after sometime, they took the body away. tears slipped down my face. and then it all went black.

when i woke up, my husband was sitting by my bed. there was a nurse somewhere in the corner. he took me in his arms and asked me something. everything went black again. when i woke up he wasn’t there. no one was. i couldn’t believe that it had actually happened. a woman took her life and i aided her in it. they slowly took me out of bed and brought me home.

soon, we found out who she was. another wife. another mother. and yet another life. her family had forgotten her birthday – again. she hadn’t felt needed or wanted in a long time – too long. she was helpless and she couldn’t handle it. she wanted out. she didn’t know how to get out of a messed up marriage and a thankless motherhood where she saw her kids for a few hours every year. but she did know how to get out of life. and she did…

the crime of forgetting..

Inspiration Monday

Why Is The Sky Black?

Daddy, why is the sky black today?

Thats because God doesn’t have his blue crayon honey.

why doesn’t he have it daddy??

Umm.. because he lost it honey.

where did he loose it daddy?

in his room sweetheart.

is his room messy?

yes. it is.

but why does he keep his room messy daddy? Isn’t he the good guy? shouldn’t he behave well?

well.. yeah.. but.. uh.. he was very busy the past few days.

why was he busy daddy?

because… he was fighting some bad guys.

the bad guys that killed mommy??

.

.

.

yes honey.

well, then thats ok.

Inspiration Monday

worse than death

i didn’t know there could be something worse than death.

but now i feel it. it’s running in my veins. flowing through my blood.

destroying me-piece by piece.

i can see my family hiding their tears so that my last days will be happy days.

but how will they know? that this is the farthest i have been from being happy.

when i found out, i thought death would be scary. but then i found this-pain.

pain, pain and more pain. searing through me day and night.

i can’t breathe without feeling the pain.

my family fights each day, so that i can live for one more day.

but all i want to do-is go.

i do not know what awaits me.

but i know that i it can’t be worse than this.

worse than pain.

death looks more like a friend than an enemy now, for it will stop the pain.

the pain-searing through me at this very moment.

i didn’t know there could be something worse than death.

 

Inspiration Monday

a walk down spooky lane!!

i packed my books, said bye to my friend and left her house. as i looked at the street, i realized that it was a beautiful sunday evening. the weather was perfect, the skies were blue and there was a slight breeze blowing through my hair. in fact-i was in such a good mood that i left my hair and just stood there; taking in the fresh air for a moment. then i decided to walk home as it wasn’t a day to travel in a rickshaw!! i started walking home, and i couldn’t help feeling cheery. i was listening to my ipod, walking at a brisk pace and getting quite a few glances from the passers-by . i was really proud of myself for actually having studied and i was totally powered to give my career a serious thought and a definite shape. i was thinking about this very blog, humming michael jackson’s song when i entered the lane. i usually took a shortcut to my house whenever i walked home from this friend’s house. but little did i realize that i usually walked sometime in the morning. this time it was nearing 7 in the evening and it was twilight. suddenly i became aware of the shadows around me, the stray dogs walking around and the eerie silence of the neighborhood.  i clutched my ipod in my hand and kept walking, praying that i reach home soon. the road suddenly stretched out to eternity and all sorts of thoughts about rape, molestation, murder, theft started floating around in my head. i could hear my great grand mom telling me that girls shouldn’t walk alone after dark. i was scared that the dogs would come chasing after me and bite me. i was scared that i wouldn’t reach home, that i would be kidnapped and that i was being followed that very minute. the one street-light flickering in the dark somehow scared me more and i quickened my pace. suddenly i saw a shadow in front of me and i stopped! but it turned out to be a squirrel. i started wondering where i could buy pepper spray and then i started praying that i would live long enough to buy pepper spray!! but turns out God didn’t make the road any longer than it already was. it finally came to an end and as i turned round the corner, i saw the bright lights of the shops, streetlights and vehicles all around me. so much for shortcuts!! i was so glad to be on my road. no one could harm me here- this was MY ADDA!!!! i thanked God for letting me live and i walked up to my home.

i guess we can all be paranoid sometimes and though we girls pretend to be strong, confident, independent and all that- we aren’t really. we still plan our weddings when are 5 and we are still afraid of the dark. we need a man around us in times like these, just to give us the idea of being protected. though one part of me wanted to (and still wants to) slap the other part of me for thinking such things and demeaning women, the other part of me argued that admitting we need support sometimes doesn’t make us any less of a feminist. the argument is still going on in my mind and i don’t think i can come up with a good enough answer. but for now, i am just glad to be back home, drinking water from my favorite sipper bottle and to be looking at my favorite computer screen

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