Blink and its gone

Okay so I admit I got lazy and gave up on my blog for a long time. Yes, I took a break from blogging citing studying and emotional upheaval as my main reasons.When I look back, that sounds stupid because writing would have probably made it easier for me to get through a few tough days and it would have been a stress buster during continuous studying sessions as well. But at that time, I didn’t feel inspired to write and I’ve never written a word without some inspiration. And so I didn’t. But now things are different. I was a good writer, on the route to be a better writer and I don’t want to give that up. I might be a little rusty, my content might not be very good and my blog may not be getting many views, but I told myself that I would continue to write no matter what. So yeah, I’m still uninspired and on most days I force myself to write. I set targets and make myself accomplish them. But though my posts aren’t very creative or innovative, it still makes me happy when I write. And I think that’s the first step and the creativity will slowly come back. I really hope I don’t give up on it this time. And as of now I am using every last ounce of willpower to make myself stick to this blog. And I read somewhere that you only have a certain amount of willpower to use everyday. If you use it to keep yourself on a diet in the morning, you will have no willpower left to study in the evening. So at the risk of putting on a few extra pounds, I am using all my willpower to keep writing. In order to help myself write I’ve taken these tiny steps right now:

• I keep memos and reminders on my phone and around my room
• I’ve set aside an hour every night to write
• I installed the WordPress app on my phone so that I can write anywhere
• I am using the following sites to get some inspiration

Inspiration Monday

750words.com

oneword.com

And the problems I am currently facing are:

• I can feel my hold on grammar and punctuation slipping
• I desperately need to go back to typing class (God I am so slow!)
• I can never get a good and catchy title
• I don’t seem to be getting much traffic – the comments and suggestions to my posts would really keep me going before
• I do not want to use a picture from google to support my posts anymore, but I pretty much suck at clicking photos (also my phone only has a 3 mega pixel camera)
• Before, a lot of my posts would involve things that happened around me. I’ve been sitting at home for the past month and a half because of exams and I barely go out – so I have nothing to write about from my surroundings
• which brings me back to the problem of inspiration

So, I’m dealing with these things for now. But another thing that has been bugging me is how much change that has happened since I was last here. When I logged into wordpress after around 6 months, the site itself took me by shock. Well all the changes with the site are good and technology does change fast, but it feels so horrible when I don’t know how to use a few features which used to be at the tip of my fingers before. The wordpress people have sort of shuffled my dashboard around and it looks terrific but I just don’t know how to use it properly anymore. That makes me feel sooo old – and I’m just 18! Plus, I see that what happened to me has also happened to a lot of other people. When I visited a few of my favorite blogs, I noticed that the bloggers had been absent for a while and most of them had been caught up in work, school and life in general. Its so sad to see such good writers, take a break from writing. Seeing these blogs in this state is sort of making it a little hard for me to keep writing. But nevertheless, my brain has now split into 2 halves. One which ensures I keep writing and the other is the meek and cowardly writer who is just about coming out of hiding and is sprinkling some confidence and creativity over me. Also, another problem I forgot to mention, is that I have a hard time coming up with a good close for  my posts. For example, I’ve said all I had to say in this post and I have no idea how to close it now. But I think leaving you hanging is slightly better than me continuing to ramble on and on about the same topic. So, that’s all folks. I’m done.

The Key To Dying

I lay awake most nights, thinking about him. Wondering how he actually did it. Thinking about it is different, I’ve done that a million times; maybe even before him. But actually mustering up the courage to do it, well that is something I can’t figure out. How did he do it? I wonder..

Here I am, lying awake yet again; thinking about him. How did he lie there? Wasn’t .. he .. scared? How did he …. ?

…

HUH? What just happened? I guess I must have fallen asleep. But I swear I heard something. Someone, perhaps.. ‘Hello? Is anyone there?’

‘Yes Ricky, I’m here.’

‘Sam? What are you doing here? I thought you were dead.’

‘I am dead. But you keep thinking about me all the time. So I had to come back and answer your questions.’

‘Oh.. all right.. then tell me.. how did you do it?’

‘The key to dying Ricky, is to die on the inside first. If you are going to be thinking about mom, dad and Jo when you have a knife to your throat, you will never be able to do it. You have to be dead inside. Your senses must be dead. You should learn not to care about them, about life. You should be convinced that whatever comes afterwards is better. Or you won’t be able to do it Ricky.’

‘Dead on the inside? So you didn’t think about me before you slit your throat? You didn’t think of mom and dad crying all day? Why Sam? Didn’t you love us anymore?’

‘I did love you Ricky. And I will always love you guys. I realize that now. But like I said, you have to be dead on the inside. So that day, when I decided to do it, I didn’t realize that I loved you.’

‘Do you think I should do it Sam? I hate living in a house that mourns your death every day.They have forgotten about Jo and me. Even Jo and I have forgotten about ourselves. And you will be there for me when I do it, won’t you Sam? So it won’t be that bad right?’

…

‘Sam! Don’t just stand there and smile! TELL ME! WILL YOU BE THERE FOR ME IF I DO IT? SAM I NEED YOU TO ANSWER ME! TELL ME SAM! TELL ME! SAM!’

‘Ricky?’

‘Is it better on the other side Sam? Is it better than this life?’

‘Ricky?’

‘I need to know Sam, I really need to know!!’

‘Ricky?’

‘Sam’

‘Ricky? RICKY?’

‘Sam?’

‘Ricky! Wake up!! Its me – mom’

‘Mom?’

I opened my eyes. She was standing there, teary eyed.

‘He .. he.. is gone Ricky. He’s .. been .. gone .. a .. a .. a .. long time.’

As she broke into a sob, I hugged her tightly. I don’t know how he did it. I can’t be dead inside. I can’t forget I love these people. I just can’t.

‘I love you mom.’

Inspiration Monday

Inspiration Monday (InMon) is a weekly writing challenge designed to spark your imagination. Every Monday, five vague writing prompts are posted, with which you can do anything you like.  The rules are as strict or as loose as the participants choose, and genius inevitably ensues. This post was a result of an InMon prompt.

and yet another life.. (the crime of forgetting)

she was rushed into the emergency room. two, three doctors ran in after her. there were about half a dozen nurses surrounding her when i last saw her – just before they closed the doors of the operation theater. i stood looking at the door – my mind being unable to function. why? why would she do such a thing? and why my car? why?

i guess i should have first asked myself who she was. but all i could think was – why?

someone gave me a little water and made me sit down. my phone kept ringing, but i didn’t want to touch it with my bloody hands. after a while the shock began to wear off. it was replaced by fear. would i be responsible? responsible for some other woman’s life? would i have to live with this all my life? no – i couldn’t. maybe she wouldn’t die. maybe i could help her…

after an eternity or so, they came out. they shook their heads and walked off. i sat there, quietly. after sometime, they took the body away. tears slipped down my face. and then it all went black.

when i woke up, my husband was sitting by my bed. there was a nurse somewhere in the corner. he took me in his arms and asked me something. everything went black again. when i woke up he wasn’t there. no one was. i couldn’t believe that it had actually happened. a woman took her life and i aided her in it. they slowly took me out of bed and brought me home.

soon, we found out who she was. another wife. another mother. and yet another life. her family had forgotten her birthday – again. she hadn’t felt needed or wanted in a long time – too long. she was helpless and she couldn’t handle it. she wanted out. she didn’t know how to get out of a messed up marriage and a thankless motherhood where she saw her kids for a few hours every year. but she did know how to get out of life. and she did…

the crime of forgetting..

Inspiration Monday

i used to be someone else.

i was the lead singer in a band. we were three guys and two girls. we had two female singers and just me as a male singer. so i held auditions for another male singer. after a very disappointing audition we were all set to leave when she entered. she wanted to audition for us. i told her we didn’t need another female singer. she asked for one chance. one of the girls asked me to give her a chance. so we all sat down again and she started her song. i do not know at what point i stopped listening to the song. all i could see – was her. we let her into the band and i let her into my life. she was the best thing that happened to me. sometimes we just stay up late in the night composing songs together, or we go to the beach and just stare at the sky. we often play basketball together and every morning she makes coffee for us. even when we are practicing, sometimes we just look at each other and smile. i think i used to be someone else before, but i just can’t remember my life before her now.

Why Is The Sky Black?

Daddy, why is the sky black today?

Thats because God doesn’t have his blue crayon honey.

why doesn’t he have it daddy??

Umm.. because he lost it honey.

where did he loose it daddy?

in his room sweetheart.

is his room messy?

yes. it is.

but why does he keep his room messy daddy? Isn’t he the good guy? shouldn’t he behave well?

well.. yeah.. but.. uh.. he was very busy the past few days.

why was he busy daddy?

because… he was fighting some bad guys.

the bad guys that killed mommy??

.

.

.

yes honey.

well, then thats ok.

Inspiration Monday

worse than death

i didn’t know there could be something worse than death.

but now i feel it. it’s running in my veins. flowing through my blood.

destroying me-piece by piece.

i can see my family hiding their tears so that my last days will be happy days.

but how will they know? that this is the farthest i have been from being happy.

when i found out, i thought death would be scary. but then i found this-pain.

pain, pain and more pain. searing through me day and night.

i can’t breathe without feeling the pain.

my family fights each day, so that i can live for one more day.

but all i want to do-is go.

i do not know what awaits me.

but i know that i it can’t be worse than this.

worse than pain.

death looks more like a friend than an enemy now, for it will stop the pain.

the pain-searing through me at this very moment.

i didn’t know there could be something worse than death.

 

Inspiration Monday