Blink and its gone

Okay so I admit I got lazy and gave up on my blog for a long time. Yes, I took a break from blogging citing studying and emotional upheaval as my main reasons.When I look back, that sounds stupid because writing would have probably made it easier for me to get through a few tough days and it would have been a stress buster during continuous studying sessions as well. But at that time, I didn’t feel inspired to write and I’ve never written a word without some inspiration. And so I didn’t. But now things are different. I was a good writer, on the route to be a better writer and I don’t want to give that up. I might be a little rusty, my content might not be very good and my blog may not be getting many views, but I told myself that I would continue to write no matter what. So yeah, I’m still uninspired and on most days I force myself to write. I set targets and make myself accomplish them. But though my posts aren’t very creative or innovative, it still makes me happy when I write. And I think that’s the first step and the creativity will slowly come back. I really hope I don’t give up on it this time. And as of now I am using every last ounce of willpower to make myself stick to this blog. And I read somewhere that you only have a certain amount of willpower to use everyday. If you use it to keep yourself on a diet in the morning, you will have no willpower left to study in the evening. So at the risk of putting on a few extra pounds, I am using all my willpower to keep writing. In order to help myself write I’ve taken these tiny steps right now:

• I keep memos and reminders on my phone and around my room
• I’ve set aside an hour every night to write
• I installed the WordPress app on my phone so that I can write anywhere
• I am using the following sites to get some inspiration

Inspiration Monday

750words.com

oneword.com

And the problems I am currently facing are:

• I can feel my hold on grammar and punctuation slipping
• I desperately need to go back to typing class (God I am so slow!)
• I can never get a good and catchy title
• I don’t seem to be getting much traffic – the comments and suggestions to my posts would really keep me going before
• I do not want to use a picture from google to support my posts anymore, but I pretty much suck at clicking photos (also my phone only has a 3 mega pixel camera)
• Before, a lot of my posts would involve things that happened around me. I’ve been sitting at home for the past month and a half because of exams and I barely go out – so I have nothing to write about from my surroundings
• which brings me back to the problem of inspiration

So, I’m dealing with these things for now. But another thing that has been bugging me is how much change that has happened since I was last here. When I logged into wordpress after around 6 months, the site itself took me by shock. Well all the changes with the site are good and technology does change fast, but it feels so horrible when I don’t know how to use a few features which used to be at the tip of my fingers before. The wordpress people have sort of shuffled my dashboard around and it looks terrific but I just don’t know how to use it properly anymore. That makes me feel sooo old – and I’m just 18! Plus, I see that what happened to me has also happened to a lot of other people. When I visited a few of my favorite blogs, I noticed that the bloggers had been absent for a while and most of them had been caught up in work, school and life in general. Its so sad to see such good writers, take a break from writing. Seeing these blogs in this state is sort of making it a little hard for me to keep writing. But nevertheless, my brain has now split into 2 halves. One which ensures I keep writing and the other is the meek and cowardly writer who is just about coming out of hiding and is sprinkling some confidence and creativity over me. Also, another problem I forgot to mention, is that I have a hard time coming up with a good close for  my posts. For example, I’ve said all I had to say in this post and I have no idea how to close it now. But I think leaving you hanging is slightly better than me continuing to ramble on and on about the same topic. So, that’s all folks. I’m done.

The Key To Dying

I lay awake most nights, thinking about him. Wondering how he actually did it. Thinking about it is different, I’ve done that a million times; maybe even before him. But actually mustering up the courage to do it, well that is something I can’t figure out. How did he do it? I wonder..

Here I am, lying awake yet again; thinking about him. How did he lie there? Wasn’t .. he .. scared? How did he …. ?

…

HUH? What just happened? I guess I must have fallen asleep. But I swear I heard something. Someone, perhaps.. ‘Hello? Is anyone there?’

‘Yes Ricky, I’m here.’

‘Sam? What are you doing here? I thought you were dead.’

‘I am dead. But you keep thinking about me all the time. So I had to come back and answer your questions.’

‘Oh.. all right.. then tell me.. how did you do it?’

‘The key to dying Ricky, is to die on the inside first. If you are going to be thinking about mom, dad and Jo when you have a knife to your throat, you will never be able to do it. You have to be dead inside. Your senses must be dead. You should learn not to care about them, about life. You should be convinced that whatever comes afterwards is better. Or you won’t be able to do it Ricky.’

‘Dead on the inside? So you didn’t think about me before you slit your throat? You didn’t think of mom and dad crying all day? Why Sam? Didn’t you love us anymore?’

‘I did love you Ricky. And I will always love you guys. I realize that now. But like I said, you have to be dead on the inside. So that day, when I decided to do it, I didn’t realize that I loved you.’

‘Do you think I should do it Sam? I hate living in a house that mourns your death every day.They have forgotten about Jo and me. Even Jo and I have forgotten about ourselves. And you will be there for me when I do it, won’t you Sam? So it won’t be that bad right?’

…

‘Sam! Don’t just stand there and smile! TELL ME! WILL YOU BE THERE FOR ME IF I DO IT? SAM I NEED YOU TO ANSWER ME! TELL ME SAM! TELL ME! SAM!’

‘Ricky?’

‘Is it better on the other side Sam? Is it better than this life?’

‘Ricky?’

‘I need to know Sam, I really need to know!!’

‘Ricky?’

‘Sam’

‘Ricky? RICKY?’

‘Sam?’

‘Ricky! Wake up!! Its me – mom’

‘Mom?’

I opened my eyes. She was standing there, teary eyed.

‘He .. he.. is gone Ricky. He’s .. been .. gone .. a .. a .. a .. long time.’

As she broke into a sob, I hugged her tightly. I don’t know how he did it. I can’t be dead inside. I can’t forget I love these people. I just can’t.

‘I love you mom.’

Inspiration Monday

Inspiration Monday (InMon) is a weekly writing challenge designed to spark your imagination. Every Monday, five vague writing prompts are posted, with which you can do anything you like.  The rules are as strict or as loose as the participants choose, and genius inevitably ensues. This post was a result of an InMon prompt.

Lost Shoe

After a really long time, A post inspired by - Inspiration Monday!

When I was small I had one pair of shoes which were my all time favorite. I would wear them to school, to play, to functions and sometimes even to bed! I wouldn’t let anyone else touch it because they meant the world to me. I do not remember exactly why that pair was so important to me but to date I can remember the broad smile I would give the minute I saw them each morning. In a little girl’s world – they were everything that mattered. But then one fine morning I woke up, got dressed for school and went out to put on my shoes – but! They weren’t there! I looked all over and practically turned my house upside down but I couldn’t find them. As I sat dejectedly on my front porch my Dad came out and made me put on another pair in a hurry. That was the first time my little mind could remember going to school without my favorite pair of shoes. All day that day, I would look down and wish that I was wearing my shoes. Without them, I felt incomplete. That was a very sad day for me – at least in those simple times it was! The next morning I sat down on my porch again, not wanting to put on my other shoes. My dad came out again, and this time he realized that something was wrong. When he found out it was all over a pair of shoes, he laughed. He then told me that the things in our lives wouldn’t be with us forever. No matter how much we love it and want to stay with it forever, there will come a time when it has to go. Times will change and we will have to move on. And that was just a shoe at the end of the day. So he asked me to put on the other pair, carry my smile along with me and go to school. That was my first lesson in life and that day I went to school and thought about other things. By the end of the day, I had forgotten all about my favorite shoes. I always wondered what happened to that shoe but I guess some mysteries remain mysteries forever.

Many years later, when missing shoes were the least of my problems – I met a person. A person so similar to me, that it surprised me. The more we got to know each other, the more we realized that we were distinctly alike. We would often say – we are the same but we’re different. That person knew practically everything about me and I began to think that I knew a lot about him too. After a really long time I felt like I had a friend who could really understand me. We became the best of friends and were always together. We helped each other out and never hid anything from each other. I had a new best friend and this thrilled me! But after a while I began to feel that this friend was being a little distant. I tried to understand what was going on in his life and I tried to help him, but the more I tried to help – the more distant he seemed. Eventually, I couldn’t even get through to him. There was this lost look in his eyes which I couldn’t understand. He moved so far away that I couldn’t find my best friend in him anymore. I searched in his eyes, for a glimpse of that person that I had seen in him. But it wasn’t there. As I pondered over this change, I remembered my lost shoe. I had never really found out where it had gone, but I remembered my dad telling me that not everything remains the same in life. I realized I had to move on. I picked myself up, put on a smile and went on with my life. If he needed me, I would always be there for him. If not – it would be yet another mystery of life.

And they lived happily ever after!

I’m 18 years old, almost done with my first year of college and I’ve got two more years left! I’ve made amazing friends in the the last one year – some totally new people and some people who were always around but I never really realized how special they were! I know that two years from now all of us will be entering completely new worlds and while some pursue higher education, others will start working! Most of us will leave our hometown and venture into the world. Obviously this process of settling down takes years! And while we are busy trying to find a foothold in the enormous mountain of life which we set out to climb, we will have little or no time for friends! I have seen this in other people’s lives and from a long time I had been convincing myself that the same would happen to me. Up till a year ago, I was sure that these friends that I would make in college would be with me only for a period of 3 years and I had no issue with it. But as the clock ticked and that moment drew closer, I started fretting over the fact that I have very limited time with these people! I didn’t want the days to fly by and I didn’t want that day to arrive when I would have to say goodbye. I would stay up late into the night thinking about that day and more than often, there would be tears in my eyes. I didn’t want my prediction to come true; the prediction being that once you are thrust into the outside world, you will not have space for friends in your life. So I was in a point in my life where I was desperately trying to cling on to something important, but the more I held on – the faster it slipped away.

Then last night I went out for dinner with my family and on the adjacent table sat a woman who was approximately 60 years of age. She kept looking at her watch and I wondered who she was waiting for. Around 20 minutes later three other women walked in and when the four of them saw each other they were laughing and screaming and hugging each other! For that one moment when they saw each other they all looked beautifully young. As I observed them talking animatedly, it became obvious that these were bffs who went really long back! I could practically see 16 year olds talking among themselves in these 60 year old women.

That bunch of women gave me hope. They showed me that friendship could last – literally forever! I do not know who those women were, where they lived or how often they saw each other or what the situation was exactly, but I did see friendship in them! A sweet and loving friendship. I could see me and my girls sitting at that table a few decades from now. This might be a very silly thing to take inspiration from, but it did inspire me nevertheless. It inspired me to stop thinking about how to deal with moving away from my friends and to start thinking about ways to keep in touch. I do not know how much I love my girls or why I love them but I do know that I want them to be a part of my life forever! I’m going to enjoy the next two years as much as I can and hopefully after that we’ll be as close as ever.

I’ll find out about that two year’s from now – so I won’t continue to fret over it! For now I just want to believe in a different kind of ‘and they lived happily ever after.. ‘ These are my girls – the ones I’ve known for a really long time now and the ones who probably know me the best!

And while these might be my besties there are so many others I do not want to lose!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Those people who make you feel good when your not, those people who turn everything from imperfect to simply perfect, those people whom you begin to miss even though it’s been just a while since you’ll parted , yeah , they are friends and I have got amazing ones! you guys are the best gift ever!

(courtesy – Deepika Vasani)

I opened my eyes and realized that the world was a beautiful place :)

When you are buried down by a ton of tasks – all of them being equally important, you tend to forget to look at the world around you. That was my situation up to a few days ago. The weight on my shoulders had never felt heavier and as I began to hunch, I couldn’t look up anymore – at the beautiful sky. Tears which flowed frequently didn’t let me see the dew drops, the rain, the clouds, the birds and the stars. I lay cooped up and blocked out all the sunlight from my life. I abandoned everyone until I felt like I had abandoned myself.

 

And then I saw a hand – a hand reaching out to help me, to show me what I was so desperately trying to block out. I was hesitant at first, but I grabbed the hand and felt myself being yanked out. The first thing I saw were smiles. Smiles all around me welcoming me back from the land of the dead. The hand took me around and showed me the world, after which I finally let go. I was ready to stand on my own. I looked up and saw everything that I hadn’t seen in a long time. I opened my eyes and realized that the world was a beautiful place. I felt.. free!

Changing times

Back when we were little kids, we had that habit of wearing our mom’s/dad’s shoes, trying on mom’s make-up, using dad’s aftershave, parading around with our mom’s duppattas on our heads or wearing our dad’s ties around our necks which would practically reach the floor back then! Yeah, well I too had that habit and one of the few things I distinctly remember doing was opening my mom’s wallet and looking at it in awe. That was because it had a whole lot of compartments in it and each compartment had a whole lot of money in it, in addition to the various credit cards, visiting cards, bills, receipts and what not! I too had a wallet back then which would consist of a ten rupee note and a few coins at the most. So when I would look at my mom’s wallet It was like a tour in a museum for me because I could never imagine having any of those things in my wallet! But I would still try to make it look like her’s by putting in fake, self-made, paper credit cards, bills which had fallen out of my dad’s shirt pocket and other things like that. I also remember this pair of white-heeled shoe that my mom owned which I was completely mesmerized by. My feet would barely occupy half of the shoe, but I would still walk around in them pretending I was a big girl attending a fancy party. I would look at my mom and wonder how she was so tall. I couldn’t wait to grow that tall and wear such shoes and carry big wallets like her’s.

Cut to 2012 – I am three inches taller than my mom, and two shoe sizes bigger! My wallet greatly resembles her’s except for it has smaller denominations as I am still a student. And of course, she prefers wallets in a very subtle colour range of black, brown, beige and cream. Me? Blue, purple, orange, red are more my colours! But the bottom line is , I don’t remember when I crossed that phase of wanting to be like my mum and reached that phase where I greatly resemble her! I might still be a kid, but I am treated more like a grown-up now. I have a few responsibilities and people understand that I am not very immature any more (of course, they haven’t seen me around my friends ) It feels good to finally have gotten to this stage, but sometimes I wonder where all that time went. So yeah, times have definitely changed a lot!

And yet another year goes by :)

On every 31st December when the year comes to full stop all of us wonder what we will miss about the year that is hours away from being history. Last night, I too wondered what I would miss of this year. Certainly not the initial tension of board exams with which I started this year or the part where I missed my summer vacation to study for C.P.T., maybe the part where I got my marks and found out that I had scored well and most definitely my 18th birthday which was totally amazing! But the one thing I would miss more than anything is that innocence and childishness that I can feel is slowly creeping out of my life.

I was made aware of this fact when around two days ago I was talking to my cousin sister about life in general and I realized that our talks were based more on career, life, studies, family, etc. Where did all the times go when we would talk about playing hide and seek, eating maggi, going to the park? All our lives we have both been students, we have had regular summer, dusshera and christmas vacations. We have had exams in March and October and we always went back to school/college at the end of our vacations. This time when we finish our end-semester exams one of us may not be in college anymore; one of us may start working; one of us may go abroad to study. The next time we plan a family vacation not only our parents but also my cousin will have to take leave from work. It is the simple course of life and yet the fact that this was the last year of life as we have known it, seemed to freak me out. I cried when she turned 20 and hopefully I will handle 21 in a better manner. But all I am trying to say is that we are actually growing up and on the next 31st December life may not work in the same manner as it does today.

I have been told that even though things change, we will still remain the same silly sisters who would fight over choosing snakes and ladders or ludo! Last night when she left to go back home ( we will in two different towns; she was here on vacation) I couldn’t exactly explain why I wasn’t letting her go and why a person like me – who hates hugs – initiated the good-bye-hug. But all I really wanted to say then was, ‘no matter how things work out or where we are a year from now, you will always be my inspiration and I will always be here to support you whenever you need me. In short, I love you akka!’

Here’s hoping that we all have a wonderful 2012!

Just the moonlight!! :)

There’s just something soo romantic about standing under the moonlight and listening to ajeeb dastan hai yeh.. don’t get me wrong.. i am standing all alone out here!! but its still nice to imagine someone’s arms around you at this time.. i don’t stay in a city that never sleeps or anything. I live in a town where the roads are almost empty by 10 and at midnight (right now) its practically dead!! In fact, there is this quietness in the air that is just amazing!!

when the night has come.. and the land is dark.. and the moon is the only light..

hahahahaha!!

that is exactly how i feel right now!!

that, and the fireworks somewhere far out in the city on account of today (technically yesterday) being dushera!! it gives me some time to clear my head and get rid of all the muck i have been thinking of these past few days.. like all my friends hate me.. i’m a total loser.. i can’t write.. etc etc. its only the moonlight that can make sense to you and make you see some light at times like this!!

of late, i felt that i couldn’t really write and i kept hunting around, desperately, for topics to write on. but today(tonight), though this is really just a random post, i somehow felt like my fingers finally connected with my keyboard and that from now on things will be better!!

earlier in the evening

ok.. so i know that my camera isn’t very good (its just a 1.3 megapixel afterall.) but these were all the pictures i could get. its just a glimpse of what i could see.. which was 10 times better than these photos, because what you see, what you experience in person can never be captured in a photo.

right now, i just need to go to bed and dream about all the nice things that i am thinking of right now!!

Looking out of the window: a little rain

She looked outside the window and noticed the moist ground, the slightly wet trees and that smell you get from the ground after a shower of rain. She smiled and wondered how things could change so fast. When she had left for lunch the ground was absolutely dry – as if it were a parched throat in need of water. And in thirty minutes it looked so beautiful. There had barely been a shower, for the amount of rain that had poured was not much. Yet, that little rain was enough to transform the ground. She realized that it was the same with life. Life needed a little shower to bloom. On the previous day, she had thrown party for a good friend and the day had gone splendidly. But when she reached home she was faced with a different atmosphere. She had to make a choice, and her career depended on it. But it was so difficult for her to choose that she couldn’t sleep well that night. As a result, she had been grumpy all morning. After snapping at a lot of people, she finally calmed down after lunch. That was when she realized that, though she still hadn’t come to a conclusion, all she needed was a little unexpected shower in her life. and her frown would be turned upside down again. Life was unexpected, and the lows would come along with the highs. All she had to do was wait.. She smiled and continued to look out of the window.

My First Blogoversary!!! :)

After thinking all day about how to make this day special and what can I possibly paste today which will be completely different and unique, I still have no idea!! I am happy that I have been blogging for a year now – but that’s just how I can describe the feeling – as happy. no more, no less. I remember this time last year; I had an exam the next day and I really wasn’t interested in studying, so I went online and started browsing. eventually I came across this article on Yahoo which took me to a another article, written on a WordPress.com blog – ‘My Pakistani Life And Other Disasters.’ it was quick, witty, to the point and had this sarcastic humour which just tickled me the right way. I never really found that blog after that day, but it impressed me so much that I knew I had to have my own blog. That first day, it was like getting a new phone – exploring every nook and corner of my dashboard, my blog and finding out how things worked on wordpress. I read about half a dozen blogs before I carefully posted my very first post. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I felt it wasn’t really ready. I wasn’t ready for the criticisms/praises coming my way from my family and friends. I remember the next day, I couldn’t help smiling in the exam hall thinking about my new blog. it was like this secret of mine – it felt like I had a treasure map or something. and today, when I look at my archives – it goes from august 2010 to august 2011!! for some reason that really pleases me. it feels like I have finished an entire circle. I have learnt so much – from other bloggers and from my blog too. and I can’t help but feel that my writing has improved too. I still have a long way to go, but at least this is a start. I have changed this last one year, as a person and as a writer and this blog has made me more serious about taking up writing professionally. whatever said and done, I love this blog with all my heart and soul and today we completed one year of this marvelous writing experience!!!!

Happy Blogoversary to me!!!

Looking out of the window: A different life.

She came in, late as usual, threw her bag on the desk and sat down. She looked out of the window so that no one would see the tears she was trying to hold back. After a while one tear slowly trickled down her cheek. At the same time a cool breeze blew across her face. She looked outside the window again. She thought about what had happened. She had been talking to a friend about life in the small town she lived and life in the outside world. The friend kept telling her how many opportunities she was missing being cooped up in this small town. They kept talking about all the things they could do in a bigger city. The freedom they would get, the open-minded people they would be around, the facilities they would be provided with and basically the standard of living they could experience. The jobs and pay scale, the malls, the parks, the infrastructure, etc. But she kept arguing that this was the best place in the world for her. She had lived here all her life and she intended to live here for the rest of her life. She still had a lot to discover in this small town of her’s. She loved it with all her heart and did not want to live anywhere else. But the friend then asked her to imagine what her life would have been like if she had grown up in a bigger city. She asked her to think about the things she had missed. She thought back to her childhood and saw all the things she had, but then she saw all the things she could have had. Wouldn’t she want her adult life at least to have all the opportunities she possibly could have? The friend then went away. She was still in a trance. She heard the first bell go. She got up and started walking to class. She realized that her life could have been much more than it already was. For the first time in her life, she hated her town for the things it lacked. That was when she had come into the class – frustrated.

The wind became stronger. The trees on the ground started shaking and all of a sudden it started raining. The rain was so furious that the lecturer couldn’t be heard. The light spray of rain coming in through the window fell on her face. Her hair started flying. She closed her eyes and smiled. In that moment, she suddenly knew why she loved that place so much. She couldn’t really explain it and there was nothing very unique about that place, but her heart was set there. From the minute she had started observing her surrounding – she had fallen head over heels in love with the city. She opened her eyes and continued to look out of the window.

i deleted half my fb friends!!

Image via Wikipedia

facebook has changed the meaning of friendship for all of us. if we are friends with a person on face book it means we are still in contact, because we like each other’s statuses – irrespective of the fact that we cannot remember their faces!! i had 500 odd friends on facebook and i didn’t even know over 100 of them. among the others i couldn’t remember the last time i spoke to most of them and there were very few people who i actually maintained contact with. then what is the point of maintaining “facebook” reltionships with everyone?? what kind of an unrealistic world are we living in where facebook means more than friendship?? yes, facebook is necessary sometimes, when i want to see my far off family and friends ( the one’s whom i actually care about) and the rest are just there for – well,  i don’t even know why they are there. after around two years of wasting time on facebook, i almost deleted my account, but then i realized that there were a lot of people i couldn’t keep in contact with other than facebook, so i just deleted the ones who didn’t matter. and it felt so fricking good!!  it’s like this heavy weight of pretense has been lifted from my chest and i can finally breathe!! (albeit cyber breathing ) maybe its time we take a step back from social networking and look at our real lives and the real people in it!!

Bored Is Not The Word For It!!

in the month of June i answered my CPT exam( common proficiency test). this being a pretty big deal for me (and the fact that i hadn’t studied a word all summer) i decided to give up everything else and study my ass off for the last fortnight. this included friends, movies, tv, cell phone, wordpress, books, sleep and everything else i previously called a life. exam got over(and i am currently waiting for my results) and the aftermath of furious friends and a dead blog arrived.

lets begin with wordpress first, because its easier to explain. my blog which previously had at least one comment every time i logged in and at least 30 – 40 hits has not even seen 30 hits since my last post. i have sort of lost that knack of writing and though i wouldn’t exactly call it ‘writer’s block’ there is something annoyingly different about the way i write now.

my friends – (or maybe one particular friend) was so pissed off that i had been avoiding her all month that she was happier than me when my exam final got over i keep looking at my phone nowadays wondering, who ever did text me before? when i come home from college i have no idea what to do because i don’t really have to study right now. thankfully i have amazing friends and projects to keep me occupied otherwise i have no idea what i would do all day. this was the first normal sunday that i was having after my exam and i was totally looking forward to it. but now – Bored Is Not The Word For It!!! i had a meeting today morning and then my mom and me went shopping and then a friend came over – but when all that was over, i had no idea what to do. i have done almost everything there is to do on facebook, played more solitaire than i have ever played in my life and went through all the bored.com games and quizzes in this one day.

i am at a complete loss when it comes to spending my time wisely. i am currently texting my new gay best friend (:P – sorry) and i just got off the phone after talking to one of my girl best friends. i’m done with dinner and i officially have nothing else to do!!! that is when wordpress came to my rescue. thankfully i have a very busy Monday and Tuesday ahead of me and i hope i get used to doing nothing by then.!!

 

and yet another life.. (the crime of forgetting)

she was rushed into the emergency room. two, three doctors ran in after her. there were about half a dozen nurses surrounding her when i last saw her – just before they closed the doors of the operation theater. i stood looking at the door – my mind being unable to function. why? why would she do such a thing? and why my car? why?

i guess i should have first asked myself who she was. but all i could think was – why?

someone gave me a little water and made me sit down. my phone kept ringing, but i didn’t want to touch it with my bloody hands. after a while the shock began to wear off. it was replaced by fear. would i be responsible? responsible for some other woman’s life? would i have to live with this all my life? no – i couldn’t. maybe she wouldn’t die. maybe i could help her…

after an eternity or so, they came out. they shook their heads and walked off. i sat there, quietly. after sometime, they took the body away. tears slipped down my face. and then it all went black.

when i woke up, my husband was sitting by my bed. there was a nurse somewhere in the corner. he took me in his arms and asked me something. everything went black again. when i woke up he wasn’t there. no one was. i couldn’t believe that it had actually happened. a woman took her life and i aided her in it. they slowly took me out of bed and brought me home.

soon, we found out who she was. another wife. another mother. and yet another life. her family had forgotten her birthday – again. she hadn’t felt needed or wanted in a long time – too long. she was helpless and she couldn’t handle it. she wanted out. she didn’t know how to get out of a messed up marriage and a thankless motherhood where she saw her kids for a few hours every year. but she did know how to get out of life. and she did…

the crime of forgetting..

Inspiration Monday

a new life.. and perhaps a new beginning!! :)

i sort of began a new life today. i started a ten day crash course for my upcoming cpt exam and i am also beginning college soon. imagine!! college – me!! it doesn’t feel like i am big enough to go to college. but, apparently i am. for a long time i was scared about this new life that i was going to enter. i knew this was going to be less fun and more hard work. i knew i would have to seriously study for the next 4 to 5 years (by which time i hope to finish my C.A.) and i knew that i would have to cut back on a lot of things that i love. right up to today morning, i was scared. but – i loved it!! i freaking loved it!! Cpt students are the types who study seriously; who work at a fast pace and who don’t need to be taught things step by step. we are known to have a pretty good I.Q. and it felt so good to be in a class full of people just like me. in fact, at some points of the lecture i actually felt quite dumb compared to the other students!! i know its weird that i like being dumb, but its just such a refreshing change!! also the topics were really interesting and i didn’t even realize how the time flew by. it was a four hour lecture and i listened for more than three hours!! the last part i didn’t listen to because i was hungry i can’t think when i’m hungry or sleepy or if i have to pee (no, seriously – i can’t) and yeah, there will be some cutbacks, but i think they will be worth it. instead of those things i have new things in my life now. it feels very good to be taken seriously, to be treated as more than a kid – to be treated as a responsible person. (hey – maybe i am growing up!! ) God!! i am really obsessed with smilies!! and exclamatory marks!! but more on that later. its just that – for the past two months or so i was feeling a bit down – i was in a funk maybe. and it seems like all those depressing feelings have been washed off with last night’s rain. i like what i am doing right now and i hope i am able to maintain this and to be able to strike a balance between all the things i want to do. i still have to figure my life out, but for now – i know that i am happy with the direction that it is taking. and i am super excited to start college. i have no idea what its going to be like. i don’t know what to wear, what to take, whether or not to take my phone along, etc etc. but like i said – i’m yet to figure all that out. but like every year the monsoon has again lifted my spirits and i hope that this time i am able to keep it that way