Love and Practicality

I miss those innocent little times when my days were filled with barbie dolls and my nights with fairy tales. Right from then we were made to believe in Prince Charmings, happy endings, love stories etc. All our lives as little girls we lived with the hope that one day there would be a prince charming and a magical fairy tale-ish love story waiting for us. But then we grew up and reality hit us! We realized that there were no fairy tales, tooth fairies and santas. There were only compromises, mirages of happiness and an occassional person who gets lucky and finds true love. These fairy tales seem so distant now. I cannot believe that I actually ever believed them. But a part of me also envies that little me who was capable of such imagination and belief. Just when we had fallen in love with these fairy tales, society made us grow up and face facts. We had to become practical. And today, we’ve become so practical that we wonder who makes glass slippers? whether Rapunzel ever has split ends and why Snow White hadn’t been given glucose drips when she was in coma.

v/s

Today love seems like a theory to me. Which is understandable but not easily applicable. Most of us look around all our lives desparately hunting for love, often substituting it with other shallow meaningless relationships. We trick ourselves into believing that every tiny emotion is love because we are scared that the probability of two people who are made for each other actually meeting each other is against us.

A Couple/The World Population = 2/7000000000 = 2.85714286 × 10^-10

Of course, Indian girls have the other option of arranged marriage, which after seeing the number above is a relief actually. You know that your parents will find some guy for you who is remotely like you and you have a remote chance, but a chance nevertheless at being happy. A lot of people criticize the Indian marriage system, but I’ve found that it does work at times. It has the same rate of success that love marriages have, and since the latter includes going out, socializing, finding a guy, getting him to like you – whoa! doesn’t sound like something people like me are capable of. From the time girls like me (who don’t get noticed much, have a small friends circle, cannot woo a guy, girls-only school types, who have more brains than beauty – you get the type) start noticing guys in that way we start picturing very fancy  soul mates, as we don’t have a lot of experience with guys and don’t know what guys are actually like in a relationship. As a result our dream-boys usually have a mix of Shahrukh Khan‘s charms, Salman Khan‘s body and Hrithik Roshan‘s dance moves. So again, when reality hits and we notice the real, average-looking guys around us, most of our dreams are shattered.

When we were around 12-13 our ideal guy would have been someone who

• loved us
• danced/sang/painted/wrote poetry
• cooked
• did gooey mushy romantic stuff for us
• agreed to every little whim and fancy that we had
• never looked at any other girl
• loved and respected his family
• etc etc etc.

around 5 years later, we come to a stage where we want a guy who

• doesn’t smoke/do drugs
• doesn’t have his jeans below his butt
• texts us every now and then
• doesn’t have too many whims and fancies that we have to agree to
• looks only at girls and not at guys
• atleast has a family and is still in contact with them
• etc etc etc

I wonder what will happen by the time we are 25?

So my basic question is, after all these confused notions of love which have been inspired by fairy tales, movies, books etc what are girls like me supposed to look forward to? A marriage which involves more family obligations, children and cooking than love? Or hope to some day be lucky enough to find that soul mate – however remote the chances may be! Is the modern Indian teenage girl more practical than romantic?

Just the moonlight!! :)

There’s just something soo romantic about standing under the moonlight and listening to ajeeb dastan hai yeh.. don’t get me wrong.. i am standing all alone out here!! but its still nice to imagine someone’s arms around you at this time.. i don’t stay in a city that never sleeps or anything. I live in a town where the roads are almost empty by 10 and at midnight (right now) its practically dead!! In fact, there is this quietness in the air that is just amazing!!

when the night has come.. and the land is dark.. and the moon is the only light..

hahahahaha!!

that is exactly how i feel right now!!

that, and the fireworks somewhere far out in the city on account of today (technically yesterday) being dushera!! it gives me some time to clear my head and get rid of all the muck i have been thinking of these past few days.. like all my friends hate me.. i’m a total loser.. i can’t write.. etc etc. its only the moonlight that can make sense to you and make you see some light at times like this!!

of late, i felt that i couldn’t really write and i kept hunting around, desperately, for topics to write on. but today(tonight), though this is really just a random post, i somehow felt like my fingers finally connected with my keyboard and that from now on things will be better!!

earlier in the evening

ok.. so i know that my camera isn’t very good (its just a 1.3 megapixel afterall.) but these were all the pictures i could get. its just a glimpse of what i could see.. which was 10 times better than these photos, because what you see, what you experience in person can never be captured in a photo.

right now, i just need to go to bed and dream about all the nice things that i am thinking of right now!!

RAIN

don’t you just love that moment when you see the clouds in the air and you can feel that breeze running through your hair and you know that any minute now it will start raining?when the first drop falls on your face and your hear the first roar of thunder and you just can’t help smiling. when you’re walking in the rain and you feel like jumping in a puddle or when the wind is so strong you have to struggle to hold on to your umbrella. when your sitting in class but you are dying to go out and dance in the rain and the raindrops on the ledge outside the window comfort you. when you just start smiling because the rain makes you feel good. and then, when the clouds clear and you can smell the fragrance of the moist earth. And the sky – which was recently cloudy and grey becomes white and pure like a virgin. oh!!.. don’t you just love the rain??

and yet another life.. (the crime of forgetting)

she was rushed into the emergency room. two, three doctors ran in after her. there were about half a dozen nurses surrounding her when i last saw her – just before they closed the doors of the operation theater. i stood looking at the door – my mind being unable to function. why? why would she do such a thing? and why my car? why?

i guess i should have first asked myself who she was. but all i could think was – why?

someone gave me a little water and made me sit down. my phone kept ringing, but i didn’t want to touch it with my bloody hands. after a while the shock began to wear off. it was replaced by fear. would i be responsible? responsible for some other woman’s life? would i have to live with this all my life? no – i couldn’t. maybe she wouldn’t die. maybe i could help her…

after an eternity or so, they came out. they shook their heads and walked off. i sat there, quietly. after sometime, they took the body away. tears slipped down my face. and then it all went black.

when i woke up, my husband was sitting by my bed. there was a nurse somewhere in the corner. he took me in his arms and asked me something. everything went black again. when i woke up he wasn’t there. no one was. i couldn’t believe that it had actually happened. a woman took her life and i aided her in it. they slowly took me out of bed and brought me home.

soon, we found out who she was. another wife. another mother. and yet another life. her family had forgotten her birthday – again. she hadn’t felt needed or wanted in a long time – too long. she was helpless and she couldn’t handle it. she wanted out. she didn’t know how to get out of a messed up marriage and a thankless motherhood where she saw her kids for a few hours every year. but she did know how to get out of life. and she did…

the crime of forgetting..

Inspiration Monday

A Tiny Plea On New Year

Fourth of April 2011, hindu’s all over the world were celebrating ugadi. Ugadi is the new year according to the lunar calender. It is called Ugadi mostly in the South India and in other places of India it is also known as Gudi Padwa. we had arranged for a small pooja – the usual lighting of the diya, the offering of food to God (naivedhyam) and the final aarthi. in my house too we were following the same ritual. the house was set, we were all ready, the food was ready, the aarthi had begun when – the doorbell rang. my grand father asked me to answer the door. when i opened the door, there was this tiny and meek lady, dressed in a sari holding a box in one hand and a couple of papers in the other. naturally i assumed that she was a saleswoman and was about to shut the door when she thrust a peice of paper in my hand. the paper stated that this girl was deaf and dumb and had completed her tenth standard with great difficulty from the nearby St.Mary’s Missionary School. but she had no more money to study further, but she desperately wanted to do so. it was authorized by a signature and by a seal. i was kind of speechless. sad and happy at the same time. sad, because of her condition and happy, because she actually took the effort to study and ensure she kept studying. by then my grand father came over, read the paper and gave me Rs.21. i realized i had to write my name and the amount on the piece of paper. i asked her for a pen(in sign language of course) and she told me that she didn’t have one. i went inside and fetched a pen wrote down my name and amount and gave it back to her. she asked me if she could have the pen. i gave it to her. she smiled and went to the house next door.

i went back in, folded my hands and closed my eyes. i prayed to God and asked him to bless that girl for taking the effort and to ensure she gets a proper education. i also prayed that He eases her miseries and hoped that she would at least have a good year ahead of her. from then on, i have been thankful to God for giving me every part of my body. Are you?

a birthday wish..

ten teenagers were sitting on a table in a coffee house. although everyone else was either talking quietly or watching the other’s talk, two people seemed to be yelling at each other. well, the girl was yelling at the boy and the boy was just trying to get a word in. as the girl kept yelling at the boy, the waiter came over and kept a cake in the middle of the table. the girl didn’t give it too much importance and continued yelling. then – she stopped. she looked at cake and saw ‘happy 17th’ written on it. she looked up at the guy and he gave her a big grin. they all yelled ‘surprise’!!!!!!!! she then felt completely stupid for yelling at the guy who had bought her a cake. after laughing it off, everyone asked her to make a wish and blow the candles. she looked at the candle and her mind went back to the previous day. she was arguing with the same guy and this time, he was telling her that he wouldn’t wish her on her birthday. she kept telling him that there was no way that he could resist wishing her. he walked away after saying, “lets see.” at 12 o’clock one of her best friends called her up. it was exactly 12.01 when she called.

she asked, “was he the first one to wish you?”

the girl replied, “no.”

“aww.. too bad, that would ave been cute!!” said the friend.

“knock it off!! he doesn’t know i like him.”

“and i still can’t figure out why.” said the friend with a smirk that the girl could here over the phone.

that morning, as she was surrounded by her friends, this guy walked up to her.

he smiled. she smiled back.

he started talking about normal stuff, and she replied innocently.

he lasted 6 minutes. and then he said, “ok! ok! i can’t take it anymore!!”

“happy birthday!!! “

the girl then said, “hah! i knew it!!”

he gave her one of his infamous grins and said, “yeah yeah.. whatever”

all her girlfriends started “awwwing” silently from behind. she gave them a murderous glance and turned away. he was very sweet that day. he didn’t argue much, he let her win every argument they inevitably had. and he smiled – a lot. almost everyone had asked her if they were dating. so many of them had come up to her and told her that it was just cute the way they kept arguing all the time.

she looked at the candle.

should i wish for him? almost everyone thinks its going to happen. and it would be incredibly nice if we were dating.

he smacked the back of her head and said, “you know, you only have 24 hours to celebrate.”

she looked at the candle again, closed her eyes and wished…

i wish that i do well in my board exams this year, and i am successful in choosing the right career for myself.

a month after that, he told her that he had been crushing on another girl for the past 6 months. she smiled, thankful that she had wished for something that could actually happen.

love is never dependable. people might tell you that it will work out/everything will be fine/ he will ask you out.. but it doesn’t have to happen. if you are lucky, it will. but most of us out there aren’t. so concentrate on everything else in life – your family, friends, studies, hobbies, blogs – everything else. love will come and go on its own. don’t spend your time fretting over it. i know today, that not telling him was a very good step. had i listened to everyone else i would have lost a very good friend. today, i no longer feel any of those things. but i have a reliable friend. so what are you going to do?? blindly believe that you will have your own fairy tale or take control of your emotions and ensure that you don’t end up getting hurt?

A Letter To My Future Children!

ok, so i got a little sentimental and i started thinking about my future and i was hoping to be as good a mom to my kids as my mom is to me. so i thought of writing them a letter from a version of their mom who connects with them. i thought of this after reading this article. i don’t know if this blog will exist by the time my kids are my age ( i sure hope it does) but i hope they find it and read it.

dear future children,

i recently read an article where this woman wrote a letter to her past self. that prompted me to write a letter to you. i don’t know how many of you i have, but i do know that i love all of you. because if i know at the age of 17 that i want to have a precious little child some time in the future then i know that i will love you with all my heart when you come around. oh wait! you’re already there aren’t you? ok so anyway, i know that i may not be the best mom in the world but i hope you know that i try. i know that i am high maintenance. and if that has any side effect on you i am really sorry. i hope i don’t fight with your dad too much (if he is still around)i probably won’t be able to tell you all this face to face because of the generation gap that we might have developed but in case you want to tell me anything you can. i was a teenager once (i write this as a teenager) and i am sure i will be able to understand whatever you are going through. just give me a try, it may take time but i want to be your friend and i will work on it. at 17 all i want from life is to have a small and happy family, to have a successful career and to enjoy my life. i want to be C.A. (well not exactly but i’ll tell you about that some other time) but i am doing my C.A. and i also want to be a writer. if, when you read this letter i am not writing either part-time or full time then please show me this blog and pester me to start writing again. i hope you can speak fluent konkani, because that is very important to me. i hope i have told you enough about your culture, your tradition and your country. if i haven’t, please kick me and google all this, because it is very important. i hope you guys aren’t too fat and i at least hope you exercise properly because if you don’t you will end up like me. i am saying this because i am pretty sure that i would have gained a lot of weight by the time you read this and that is solely because i am lazy. at 17 i almost never exercise, i don’t study regularly (but my marks are pretty good), i spend a lot of time online, i hate cooking (and right now i plan on making your dad cook-i really hope that works!!) and i love watching movies!! i was pretty much a dork in primary school, high school was a little better but i was still a huge tell tale. i p.u. i was accepted and loved and i had a great bunch of friends!! my best friends were/are Sujatha Nayak, Shubha Kamath and Deepika Vasani. i hope, i really really hope that i have kept in touch with them because they mean the world to me!!

another person who means a lot to me is your aunt Swati Kamath (mhavu or whatever you call her) if you do not love her kids the way i love her i will kill you!!!!!!! oh-also i love maggi and i consider it an integral part of my life and i hope that continues!! as long as i am still in love with your dad, i write and watch movies regularly i have no other expectations from my future self. i hope you don’t hate me and i really hope that we can be friends!!

sincerely,

your mom

Rashmi Kamath

the gawky stranger

When Berry and Ray met for the very first time, they looked right into each other’s eyes. They were standing in two different corners of the cafeteria and though the place was crowded it was easy for them to look right at each other because both of them were tall. Unusually tall. When Berry saw him, she thought, ‘wow. a guy as gawky as me.’ And when Ray saw her, he thought ‘hmm.. a tall enough girl.’ Then when they both realized that the other person was looking at them a strange thing happened- a single thought occurred to both of them. ‘He/She might be the one!’ It was like all the other people bustling around the cafeteria became tiny ants and they could see nothing else but the gawky stranger in front of them. Then for the first time in her life, Berry smiled at a guy. It was the easiest and most natural smile she had ever given. And then the bell rang. Suddenly they both could see and hear everyone else around them and they felt very stupid.

***

That evening when Ray got on the bus he saw the girl again. Though she didn’t see him, her presence made him smile. A week later he mustered up the courage to talk to her.

***

A month later when Berry stepped into the restaurant for her first date with Ray, she realized that the place was very crowded. And when she looked up and saw her date across the room her eyes lit up and she smiled- something which she had been doing quite often now.

***

The day they filled out their college applications Ray picked up the phone and called his girlfriend and asked her, “Hey. You’re not changing your mind are you? We are applying to the same college right?” He smiled when he heard her say “Of course. Why would I change my mind?? “

***

Berry frantically walked up and down the hall. She kept looking at the phone. Ray’s call was due. His job interview should have been over by now. Her parents wouldn’t let her move in with him until he had a good job. Though she understood that they just wanted to protect her she also thought that it was quite silly of them to ask him to get a job first. It’s not like they were getting married tomorrow.

***

Ray slammed the door and stormed out. He stood outside for a minute but when he heard her cry he left the building. Not today. He needed some time to think. Some time to be alone. They had fought in the past. All through the 7 years that they had been together- they had fought like any other couple. But this time it was different. This time there was a possibility of the whole thing ending. He sat down on an empty park bench and considered the option. Things had not been going well lately. But after a moment or two he realized that the 7 weeks that were strained were nothing compared to the 7 years of bliss they had had. No. No, he could not let her go. They had been through half of high school, the whole of college and the beginning of their first jobs together. Why would he want to give up all that on a few strained weeks??? No way. What had he been thinking? This was Berry!! The girl he loved! He could never let her go. And definitely not over some silly argument.!! He ran back to their apartment.

***

Ray fidgeted with his hands as they walked through the park. He thought of the first time he had seen her. Across that cafeteria a million years ago. An odd thought had struck him, that this would be the girl he would end up with. How stupid had it sounded back then. But today as he ran his fingers over the ring in his coat pocket, it didn’t seem so stupid. When he popped the question, her eyes welled up with tears and she hugged him tight. He wanted to laugh loudly and scream and sing and thank the universe and its creator at the same time. He didn’t know which one to do, so he just hugged her tightly and began crying before she could. He knew that all his life he would be made fun of, for laughing before the bride to be. But he didn’t care. As long as he could have a family with her and tell their kids and grandkids about this day, he didn’t care if they would all laugh when they heard that he had been the first one to cry.

***

As she looked into the eyes of the man in front of her, she could see the reflection of her white gown in his deep, black eyes. She thought of all the moments they had shared-laughing, crying, studying,cooking,yelling,snuggling, relaxing, hugging and she couldnt think of a single person she would rather spend the rest of her life with.

She focused her thoughts on the priest and smiled as he began to say the most important words of her life.

“Do you take Rayner Evans to be your lawfully wedded husband, to share your life openly, standing with him, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, in hardship and in ease, to cherish and to love, so long as you both shall live?”

“I do.”

“Do you take Bernadette Mitchell to be your lawfully wedded wife, to share your life openly, standing with her, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, in hardship and in ease, to cherish and to love, so long as you both shall live?”

“I do.”

what do i write about today??

you might notice that i haven’t posted anything for a really long time. that is because all this while i have been wondering what i can write about. there has been so much going on in my life in the past few days that i have been thinking about a lot of things and going through different ideas. and each time i sat at my table to write something for this blog my mind went blank and i began to wonder ‘what do i write about today?’
everyday i went through the same question over and over again, each time coming up with a better idea than the last one. in a short while there were so many things that i could write about that i was getting confused with the whole lot. every time i sat down to write i was thinking about soo many things that it was difficult to focus and stick to one thing. the times when i did manage to begin writing i would just start rambling and after a sentence or two i would start talking about a totally different topic without even realizing it. in this time i went through different blogs and sought different ideas and opinions on what to write. i literally typed ‘ideas to write a blog on’, in google.

you might wonder as to what different ideas did this girl get that she got so confused? (even if your not wondering i want to tell you)

well firstly my closest girlfriends have been having a hard time this past week or so. all’s not well for them and i wanted to write about life and the various surprises that it can bring us and how we need to stay positive and believe in a happy ending all through out. but at the same time i was going through this period of self-realization and i also wanted to tell you guys about me. who i really am and how i have realized different truths about myself.

also because of certain events feminism is on my mind a lot and i wanted to write about women, and how far we have come in standing up for ourselves. i had also written a short umm.. paragraph called ‘a moment’ and a friend had suggested that i expand that and write about it in a more elaborate way. while doing that i began thinking about life in a very spiritual manner and also about this association called ‘art of living’ that i am a part of. its based on spirituality and i was thinking about it a lot and i wanted to write about that too..

another association that i am a part of is called ‘chinmaya mission’ which is a religious body and it got me thinking about religion and how different people see it.. this also made me think about the difference between god and religion and the importance of both in our lives..

again there is a third association which i love dearly and it is called the ‘gavel club’. it is a public speaking forum backed by the toastmasters and its given me a lot of precious gifts. i wanted to write about the importance of public speaking in our lives and how most people neglect it.

like you can see, i was thinking about different things all through this week (some which i haven’t mentioned here) and when i actually sat down to write about it i couldnt choose. so i am still battling with the question ‘what should i write about today?’ and i hope i find an answer soon enough…………..

oh and if you have any suggestions please let me know..

this one is for all the writer’s who get confused.

a girl’s heart..

most of the time, we girls are really naive. we believe things that other people say to us. if they tell us that they love us- we believe it. it they tell us that we are unfit, we believe it. if they tell us that we aren’t good enough- we believe that too.. but if someone tells us that a friend of ours is very shady we do not believe it. if they tell us that a person we love did something wrong, we do not believe that..

why is it that we see all the misfits in ourselves and everything good in another person? we are never ready to believe that a person we adore is wrong. we blindly believe in them, that too just because they show us one minute possibility- that we might be loved. we might be adored. we might be missed. that we just might have something going on between us.

yes. a girl’s heart requires just one thing-love. to elaborate, a girl is content with herself and with another person if she feels loved or at least sees the prospect of being loved. we remain happy with a person as long as we can see light at the end of the tunnel. we remain friends, secretly hoping that the person loves us, or might begin to love us, or in some other cases- that the person will continue to love us. when we find the least bit of opportunity (of being loved) we rush forward and dream of a ‘happily ever after’..

but the problem comes when reality suddenly hits us (and hits hard, mind u ) and we realize that there is no possibility of ending up together with that person. the worst thing a girl can face is that her feelings will never be reciprocated. be it a mother loosing faith in her children loving her.. or a wife knowing that husband found someone else, or a sister knowing her sibling doesnt trust her, or a girl.. knowing that a a guy she likes.. may never ever have feelings for her.. and when this reality hits, a girl just breaks down.. even if it is in between a statistics class..

the prospect of moving on is frightening.. because by then the girl will have entered into a comfort zone. the prospect of the impending loneliness.. is sometimes.. too much..