and yet another life.. (the crime of forgetting)

she was rushed into the emergency room. two, three doctors ran in after her. there were about half a dozen nurses surrounding her when i last saw her – just before they closed the doors of the operation theater. i stood looking at the door – my mind being unable to function. why? why would she do such a thing? and why my car? why?

i guess i should have first asked myself who she was. but all i could think was – why?

someone gave me a little water and made me sit down. my phone kept ringing, but i didn’t want to touch it with my bloody hands. after a while the shock began to wear off. it was replaced by fear. would i be responsible? responsible for some other woman’s life? would i have to live with this all my life? no – i couldn’t. maybe she wouldn’t die. maybe i could help her…

after an eternity or so, they came out. they shook their heads and walked off. i sat there, quietly. after sometime, they took the body away. tears slipped down my face. and then it all went black.

when i woke up, my husband was sitting by my bed. there was a nurse somewhere in the corner. he took me in his arms and asked me something. everything went black again. when i woke up he wasn’t there. no one was. i couldn’t believe that it had actually happened. a woman took her life and i aided her in it. they slowly took me out of bed and brought me home.

soon, we found out who she was. another wife. another mother. and yet another life. her family had forgotten her birthday – again. she hadn’t felt needed or wanted in a long time – too long. she was helpless and she couldn’t handle it. she wanted out. she didn’t know how to get out of a messed up marriage and a thankless motherhood where she saw her kids for a few hours every year. but she did know how to get out of life. and she did…

the crime of forgetting..

Inspiration Monday

I wish I hadn’t read her diary

my life was great. but then i read her diary.

i live with my parents and my sister. i am really close to my parents – not so much to my sister. school is great, my friends are too. i have the perfect balance of fun and diligence in my life. nothing more that i could ask for. i was on the phone today when my sister came home.

“are you getting off the phone any time soon?”, she asked.

“not really.”

“obviously! the baby will have her way then. see you later.”

and an added ‘maybe never’ under her breath.

that was when i decided that that was it. i couldn’t take any more of her nonsense. i waited till she left the house to go to her friend’s place. i got into her room. i don’t know what i expected to find there but i knew i had to get in there. she had shut me out all my life. i hadn’t even been in her room so far. the one time i did she screamed the house down. my parents were very upset with her, but then they always are. and they never do anything about it. i opened drawers, cabinets, wardrobes and then i found it. her diary.

i couldn’t find a better place to start. i read a random page. it was about some guy she liked. ‘i could use that against her’, i thought. i flipped the pages some more. and then -

” today she broke the swing. the huge 3 seater in our backyard. how can one person manage to break something that huge??? i had told mom and dad from the very first day that this was a bad idea. i told them that i didn’t want a sibling. they knew that i couldn’t accept a complete stranger as my sister. but the minute they looked into her eyes, they just knew she had to come home. they knew they had to give her a better life. well, i hope they feel happy about doing some charity, but i still can’t accept a maid servant’s child as my sister. just because that female was a pregnant teenager and ran off the second she was born didn’t mean we had to take her in. i mean, i saw her mother clean my toilet. and now she is supposed to be my sister. no i can’t accept that.”

i really wish i hadn’t read her diary.

Inspiration Monday

A Letter To My Future Children!

ok, so i got a little sentimental and i started thinking about my future and i was hoping to be as good a mom to my kids as my mom is to me. so i thought of writing them a letter from a version of their mom who connects with them. i thought of this after reading this article. i don’t know if this blog will exist by the time my kids are my age ( i sure hope it does) but i hope they find it and read it.

dear future children,

i recently read an article where this woman wrote a letter to her past self. that prompted me to write a letter to you. i don’t know how many of you i have, but i do know that i love all of you. because if i know at the age of 17 that i want to have a precious little child some time in the future then i know that i will love you with all my heart when you come around. oh wait! you’re already there aren’t you? ok so anyway, i know that i may not be the best mom in the world but i hope you know that i try. i know that i am high maintenance. and if that has any side effect on you i am really sorry. i hope i don’t fight with your dad too much (if he is still around)i probably won’t be able to tell you all this face to face because of the generation gap that we might have developed but in case you want to tell me anything you can. i was a teenager once (i write this as a teenager) and i am sure i will be able to understand whatever you are going through. just give me a try, it may take time but i want to be your friend and i will work on it. at 17 all i want from life is to have a small and happy family, to have a successful career and to enjoy my life. i want to be C.A. (well not exactly but i’ll tell you about that some other time) but i am doing my C.A. and i also want to be a writer. if, when you read this letter i am not writing either part-time or full time then please show me this blog and pester me to start writing again. i hope you can speak fluent konkani, because that is very important to me. i hope i have told you enough about your culture, your tradition and your country. if i haven’t, please kick me and google all this, because it is very important. i hope you guys aren’t too fat and i at least hope you exercise properly because if you don’t you will end up like me. i am saying this because i am pretty sure that i would have gained a lot of weight by the time you read this and that is solely because i am lazy. at 17 i almost never exercise, i don’t study regularly (but my marks are pretty good), i spend a lot of time online, i hate cooking (and right now i plan on making your dad cook-i really hope that works!!) and i love watching movies!! i was pretty much a dork in primary school, high school was a little better but i was still a huge tell tale. i p.u. i was accepted and loved and i had a great bunch of friends!! my best friends were/are Sujatha Nayak, Shubha Kamath and Deepika Vasani. i hope, i really really hope that i have kept in touch with them because they mean the world to me!!

another person who means a lot to me is your aunt Swati Kamath (mhavu or whatever you call her) if you do not love her kids the way i love her i will kill you!!!!!!! oh-also i love maggi and i consider it an integral part of my life and i hope that continues!! as long as i am still in love with your dad, i write and watch movies regularly i have no other expectations from my future self. i hope you don’t hate me and i really hope that we can be friends!!

sincerely,

your mom

Rashmi Kamath