The Key To Dying

I lay awake most nights, thinking about him. Wondering how he actually did it. Thinking about it is different, I’ve done that a million times; maybe even before him. But actually mustering up the courage to do it, well that is something I can’t figure out. How did he do it? I wonder..

Here I am, lying awake yet again; thinking about him. How did he lie there? Wasn’t .. he .. scared? How did he …. ?

…

HUH? What just happened? I guess I must have fallen asleep. But I swear I heard something. Someone, perhaps.. ‘Hello? Is anyone there?’

‘Yes Ricky, I’m here.’

‘Sam? What are you doing here? I thought you were dead.’

‘I am dead. But you keep thinking about me all the time. So I had to come back and answer your questions.’

‘Oh.. all right.. then tell me.. how did you do it?’

‘The key to dying Ricky, is to die on the inside first. If you are going to be thinking about mom, dad and Jo when you have a knife to your throat, you will never be able to do it. You have to be dead inside. Your senses must be dead. You should learn not to care about them, about life. You should be convinced that whatever comes afterwards is better. Or you won’t be able to do it Ricky.’

‘Dead on the inside? So you didn’t think about me before you slit your throat? You didn’t think of mom and dad crying all day? Why Sam? Didn’t you love us anymore?’

‘I did love you Ricky. And I will always love you guys. I realize that now. But like I said, you have to be dead on the inside. So that day, when I decided to do it, I didn’t realize that I loved you.’

‘Do you think I should do it Sam? I hate living in a house that mourns your death every day.They have forgotten about Jo and me. Even Jo and I have forgotten about ourselves. And you will be there for me when I do it, won’t you Sam? So it won’t be that bad right?’

…

‘Sam! Don’t just stand there and smile! TELL ME! WILL YOU BE THERE FOR ME IF I DO IT? SAM I NEED YOU TO ANSWER ME! TELL ME SAM! TELL ME! SAM!’

‘Ricky?’

‘Is it better on the other side Sam? Is it better than this life?’

‘Ricky?’

‘I need to know Sam, I really need to know!!’

‘Ricky?’

‘Sam’

‘Ricky? RICKY?’

‘Sam?’

‘Ricky! Wake up!! Its me – mom’

‘Mom?’

I opened my eyes. She was standing there, teary eyed.

‘He .. he.. is gone Ricky. He’s .. been .. gone .. a .. a .. a .. long time.’

As she broke into a sob, I hugged her tightly. I don’t know how he did it. I can’t be dead inside. I can’t forget I love these people. I just can’t.

‘I love you mom.’

Inspiration Monday

Inspiration Monday (InMon) is a weekly writing challenge designed to spark your imagination. Every Monday, five vague writing prompts are posted, with which you can do anything you like.  The rules are as strict or as loose as the participants choose, and genius inevitably ensues. This post was a result of an InMon prompt.

And they lived happily ever after!

I’m 18 years old, almost done with my first year of college and I’ve got two more years left! I’ve made amazing friends in the the last one year – some totally new people and some people who were always around but I never really realized how special they were! I know that two years from now all of us will be entering completely new worlds and while some pursue higher education, others will start working! Most of us will leave our hometown and venture into the world. Obviously this process of settling down takes years! And while we are busy trying to find a foothold in the enormous mountain of life which we set out to climb, we will have little or no time for friends! I have seen this in other people’s lives and from a long time I had been convincing myself that the same would happen to me. Up till a year ago, I was sure that these friends that I would make in college would be with me only for a period of 3 years and I had no issue with it. But as the clock ticked and that moment drew closer, I started fretting over the fact that I have very limited time with these people! I didn’t want the days to fly by and I didn’t want that day to arrive when I would have to say goodbye. I would stay up late into the night thinking about that day and more than often, there would be tears in my eyes. I didn’t want my prediction to come true; the prediction being that once you are thrust into the outside world, you will not have space for friends in your life. So I was in a point in my life where I was desperately trying to cling on to something important, but the more I held on – the faster it slipped away.

Then last night I went out for dinner with my family and on the adjacent table sat a woman who was approximately 60 years of age. She kept looking at her watch and I wondered who she was waiting for. Around 20 minutes later three other women walked in and when the four of them saw each other they were laughing and screaming and hugging each other! For that one moment when they saw each other they all looked beautifully young. As I observed them talking animatedly, it became obvious that these were bffs who went really long back! I could practically see 16 year olds talking among themselves in these 60 year old women.

That bunch of women gave me hope. They showed me that friendship could last – literally forever! I do not know who those women were, where they lived or how often they saw each other or what the situation was exactly, but I did see friendship in them! A sweet and loving friendship. I could see me and my girls sitting at that table a few decades from now. This might be a very silly thing to take inspiration from, but it did inspire me nevertheless. It inspired me to stop thinking about how to deal with moving away from my friends and to start thinking about ways to keep in touch. I do not know how much I love my girls or why I love them but I do know that I want them to be a part of my life forever! I’m going to enjoy the next two years as much as I can and hopefully after that we’ll be as close as ever.

I’ll find out about that two year’s from now – so I won’t continue to fret over it! For now I just want to believe in a different kind of ‘and they lived happily ever after.. ‘ These are my girls – the ones I’ve known for a really long time now and the ones who probably know me the best!

And while these might be my besties there are so many others I do not want to lose!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Those people who make you feel good when your not, those people who turn everything from imperfect to simply perfect, those people whom you begin to miss even though it’s been just a while since you’ll parted , yeah , they are friends and I have got amazing ones! you guys are the best gift ever!

(courtesy – Deepika Vasani)

Musings During A Dark Time

Jealousy – we all experience it. But yet we find it so hard to deal with. It is one of the few things that we hide from practically everyone else.. Mostly because we are usually jealous of the very people who are the closest to us, whom we normally confide in.. But what happens when we feel cut-off from them too? What happens when there is this rage filled within us and it translates into everything another person has and everything you don’t? When you are so miserable that you start doubting your own kith and kin and feel jealous of everyone around you? You hit rock bottom! Is it horrible to hate anyone who is happy? Is it normal to want to dwell in your misery and not want anyone happy around you to spoil the mood? Sometimes in our lives, when we hit rock bottom we start feeling things like this! And we never really know if it is normal or not. Because by this time you are pretty much alone, you don’t like anyone else, you refuse to open up to anyone and you are always doubtful about new people!

You start getting angry if the bird chirps or if your phone rings or if anything falls down! You reach a new height in crankiness. You start wondering why people can’t just let you be right for once. You get real snappy and alienate anyone else who is still left around you. You build cocoon around yourself which is impenetrable and you lash out at anyone who tries to reach out to you. People are people – they will stop trying after a certain point.It is only at this point, wrapped in jealousy and rage do you start yearning, pleading and then finally screaming for someone to help you. But by this time your cocoon is so tightly bound to you that none of it is visible on the surface. As much as you scratch the walls from the inside nothing will happen until the right time comes. Till then you will feel suffocated.. And at this time any physical violence seems appealing. You go through life oblivious to other people – too absorbed in your ball of fire.

Then, when the time comes the cocoon breaks and a beautiful butterfly comes out. That’s how the story goes right? But does anyone take notice of the fragility of the butterfly’s wings? The aimless fluttering from one flower to another? Yes, it looks beautiful from the outside but is it what it wanted to be? Did it ever ask to be a butterfly it looks was it ever asked whether it wanted to look beautiful? No.. It is just doomed to live that life. Only the butterfly will know what it truly wants. It will forever be reminded of that rage inside the cocoon which has only been nullified and not completely removed.

just my rambling thoughts – 2

here’s part 1.

ok, so this may be partly influenced by the princess diaries – but only partly!! for some time now i have noticed that when i am sitting in class, or going home, or watching a movie, i have some interesting idea on which i could write a blog post. but by the time i come home and get to my computer i often forget what it is. so i have been carrying a little book around in order to write down these small little ideas i have. but unfortunately, these little ideas turned out to be really ‘little’. meaning, i can’t make individual posts out of these, because they would turn out like this. so i am combining everything i’ve written down so far into one blog post.(which might end up being a little long, so please bear with me)

people

isn’t it weird how distinct two people can be? what could be interesting to one person could easily bore another and the way two people would react to a situation is usually different. every now and then such different people are thrown together and a beautiful experience is generated or a strong relationship is established. i find it really exciting when i meet a new person and we talk about our tastes and preferences, our lives, our passions and so many other things. it feels so good to find out why people act in certain ways and what makes them who they are, to get into their heads and to understand the way they think. the discussions we often have that are practically never-ending, the stories we share, the jokes we crack, the memories, the laughter – it’s so wonderful to remember that you had at least one profound moment with so many people in your past and enthralling to know that its going to keep happening with more people in the future who will give you so much to learn from.

but yet, so often we look for that one person who is like us, who thinks like us, who laugh like us and more importantly – that one person who understands us. all these people around us, who we have memories with, but sometimes fail to understand us, may not be the person we are looking for, but they are here, they love us and are trying their level best to understand us. so smile, and be thankful for all the people in your life.

Running Away

i have been running away from this issue for a very long time but today it just hit me in my face and i didn’t have a choice but to face it. our education system completely sucks!! all everyone cares about anymore is getting marks in some meaningless exam. even lecturers only a want a good pass percentage for their classes. they are not capable of answering our questions if it is slightly out of the syllabus. today a fellow classmate asked my lecturer why we were studying what we were and she asked him to shut up. it was a valid question. what is the use of studying this particular thing? shouldn’t all of us be able to answer that particular question? but we are asked to shut up because it doesn’t fall into our syllabus. and people say students `do not ask questions. memorizing is more important than understanding and attendance is more important than learning. i can no longer run away from the fact that we live in an unreal world where the quality of everything is deteriorating.

Alone

i walk in a crowd, with a huge group of friends, but i feel alone. even among friends there are tiny groups, i have mine too, but the truth is – i am alone. i listen to everyone , to all their stories, their laughter but somewhere inside there is this yearning for someone else, for something else, for someone to understand what i feel. i see people look into each other’s eyes and just understand. i want that!! i’m not talking about love, i’m talking about something else. there is this closeness that i cannot feel, a happiness that i am missing. i feel stupid sometimes for being around my friends, for saying certain things, i feel like i don’t belong. i feel left out, i guess. sometime ago, i thought i had that person who understood me, but i was wrong. that feeling was inside me for a very short time and then it faded away. and now i know what i am missing. and i don’t like it..

i used to be someone else.

i was the lead singer in a band. we were three guys and two girls. we had two female singers and just me as a male singer. so i held auditions for another male singer. after a very disappointing audition we were all set to leave when she entered. she wanted to audition for us. i told her we didn’t need another female singer. she asked for one chance. one of the girls asked me to give her a chance. so we all sat down again and she started her song. i do not know at what point i stopped listening to the song. all i could see – was her. we let her into the band and i let her into my life. she was the best thing that happened to me. sometimes we just stay up late in the night composing songs together, or we go to the beach and just stare at the sky. we often play basketball together and every morning she makes coffee for us. even when we are practicing, sometimes we just look at each other and smile. i think i used to be someone else before, but i just can’t remember my life before her now.