this is just what i really feel. after a lot of thought i have decided to post this here. i don’t know why but i want to do it. this might be a mistake but sometimes in life we just have to make mistakes.
Sometimes I just feel so alone. Even though there are tons of people around me-I feel alone. Out of nowhere I start feeling that no one loves or no one wants me. I feel I am a big mouth and people are sick and tired of dealing with me, putting up with me. I want to change myself, but I can’t. I can, but I can’t. It’s like I am hopeless. Even if I want to do something I won’t-mostly because I am too lazy. And then I regret it. I wish I could muster up the courage to do what I really want to do or to say want I really want to say. But I am scared, all the time – scared of something or the other. I do not have the nerve to stand up for myself, to admit that I am wrong, to admit that I care, to admit that I didn’t/did do something. Always scared. And then I cry. When I remember all this, irrespective of where I am-I cry. I suddenly feel everyone is going to go away from me because of the kind of person I am- selfish, snobby, lazy, annoying. But I can’t explain this to anyone else because they will never agree. They will always say ‘no! that is absolute bullshit! we don’t think that. Why do you think such stuff?’ well, I know its true. Every person who has ever met me, has, for at least a minute – hated me. I have seen it. On everyone’s face, I have seen it in their eyes. But I can’t explain all this to someone else. Because when I try to speak, the right words just don’t come out. I sound stupid whenever I try to explain myself. And then everyone just thinks that I am making up some sort of emotional shit, trying to gain attention and acting like a drama queen. But they won’t admit it. I know they love me but they also hate me. To some extent they are disappointed in me. And I feel I have gotten this far just by fluke. I wish I could say this to someone, but I don’t know whom to talk to and how to say it. My friends, family are all there for me; but for some reason I just can’t talk. I wish I were different but I also wish I were the same.