like a scared little rabbit

this is just what i really feel. after a lot of thought i have decided to post this here. i don’t know why but i want to do it. this might be a mistake but sometimes in life we just have to make mistakes.

Sometimes I just feel so alone. Even though there are tons of people around me-I feel alone. Out of nowhere I start feeling that no one loves or no one wants me. I feel I am a big mouth and people are sick and tired of dealing with me, putting up with me. I want to change myself, but I can’t. I can, but I can’t. It’s like I am hopeless. Even if I want to do something I won’t-mostly because I am too lazy. And then I regret it. I wish I could muster up the courage to do what I really want to do or to say want I really want to say. But I am scared, all the time – scared of something or the other. I do not have the nerve to stand up for myself, to admit that I am wrong, to admit that I care, to admit that I didn’t/did do something. Always scared. And then I cry. When I remember all this, irrespective of where I am-I cry. I suddenly feel everyone is going to go away from me because of the kind of person I am- selfish, snobby, lazy, annoying. But I can’t explain this to anyone else because they will never agree. They will always say ‘no! that is absolute bullshit! we don’t think that. Why do you think such stuff?’ well, I know its true. Every person who has ever met me, has, for at least a minute – hated me. I have seen it. On everyone’s face, I have seen it in their eyes. But I can’t explain all this to someone else. Because when I try to speak, the right words just don’t come out. I sound stupid whenever I try to explain myself. And then everyone just thinks that I am making up some sort of emotional shit, trying to gain attention and acting like a drama queen. But they won’t admit it. I know they love me but they also hate me. To some extent they are disappointed in me. And I feel I have gotten this far just by fluke. I wish I could say this to someone, but I don’t know whom to talk to and how to say it. My friends, family are all there for me; but for some reason I just can’t talk. I wish I were different but I also wish I were the same.


One thought on “like a scared little rabbit

  1. I think what you’re experiencing is experienced by everyone. If not all the time, then certainly on occasion. And because they feel like you, it doesn’t really get spoken about. I don’t want to get philosophical here, because I’m not a professional. (Well, I was an addiction counselor many years ago, but that doesn’t count on the internet).
    But please just know that I understand what you wrote because I have been there, and still go there sometimes. Are we psychic? Are we emotionally attuned? Are we crazy? Are we normal? None of it matters, because the answers to those questions won’t change what we feel. All I’m saying is: Don’t feel alone.

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