Musings During A Dark Time


Jealousy – we all experience it. But yet we find it so hard to deal with. It is one of the few things that we hide from practically everyone else.. Mostly because we are usually jealous of the very people who are the closest to us, whom we normally confide in.. But what happens when we feel cut-off from them too? What happens when there is this rage filled within us and it translates into everything another person has and everything you don’t? When you are so miserable that you start doubting your own kith and kin and feel jealous of everyone around you? You hit rock bottom! Is it horrible to hate anyone who is happy? Is it normal to want to dwell in your misery and not want anyone happy around you to spoil the mood? Sometimes in our lives, when we hit rock bottom we start feeling things like this! And we never really know if it is normal or not. Because by this time you are pretty much alone, you don’t like anyone else, you refuse to open up to anyone and you are always doubtful about new people!

You start getting angry if the bird chirps or if your phone rings or if anything falls down! You reach a new height in crankiness. You start wondering why people can’t just let you be right for once. You get real snappy and alienate anyone else who is still left around you. You build cocoon around yourself which is impenetrable and you lash out at anyone who tries to reach out to you. People are people – they will stop trying after a certain point.It is only at this point, wrapped in jealousy and rage do you start yearning, pleading and then finally screaming for someone to help you. But by this time your cocoon is so tightly bound to you that none of it is visible on the surface. As much as you scratch the walls from the inside nothing will happen until the right time comes. Till then you will feel suffocated.. And at this time any physical violence seems appealing. You go through life oblivious to other people – too absorbed in your ball of fire.

Then, when the time comes the cocoon breaks and a beautiful butterfly comes out. That’s how the story goes right? But does anyone take notice of the fragility of the butterfly’s wings? The aimless fluttering from one flower to another? Yes, it looks beautiful from the outside but is it what it wanted to be? Did it ever ask to be a butterfly it looks was it ever asked whether it wanted to look beautiful? No.. It is just doomed to live that life. Only the butterfly will know what it truly wants. It will forever be reminded of that rage inside the cocoon which has only been nullified and not completely removed.

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